Past Perfect Life Read online

  There’s some applause as Paula wraps her arms around me. “Oh, sweetie. That means so much to me.”

  I pull away so I can look her in the eye. “I mean what I said. It doesn’t matter where I go to college or where I live, I’m still your daughter. We get to make new memories. And I never meant to hurt you.”

  She touches my cheek. “I know, baby. I only want what’s best for you.”

  “Me too.”

  Chapter

  FORTY-THREE

  I look around the bedroom. It’s surprising how little I feel about it, compared to my room back home. I place the note for Paula on the bed and touch it lightly before I put my backpack on and walk quietly to the door. Maybe I’m doing it the coward’s way, but this will probably be best for everybody.

  At least that’s what I’m telling myself.

  My cell phone chirps and I smile. I open the door and look around the quiet hallway. I tiptoe to the stairs and then hear a click behind me.

  I turn around to find Sarah standing outside her room, rubbing her eyes. “What’s going on?”

  I freeze. “Nothing,” I whisper. “Go back to sleep.”

  Sarah looks at me, fully dressed with a backpack on and carrying a suitcase, and realizes I’m full of it. She drops her hands and walks to me. “You’re leaving?”

  “Listen, I’m just going back home to testify for my dad and finish school. I know I promised that I’d stay until graduation, but I can’t. I just can’t do it. I will be back. And, well, I left a note to explain everything. I also said I’m going to call later this morning when she’s had a chance to read everything I have to say. I’m going to talk to her every day. You too.” I wrap Sarah in a hug. She hesitates before hugging me back. “I’m going to miss you, Sarah. But I have to do this.”

  She pushes me away. “No.”

  “Sarah,” I plead quietly, not wanting to wake Paula and Craig.

  “What are you going to do about the door alarm? There’s no way to leave without waking the entire neighborhood.”

  Oh my God. I knew there was a security pad near the front door, but I’d never seen them activate it. “They do it at night,” Sarah explains. “They probably didn’t tell you because of this exact reason.”

  “I have to get back to my life.”

  She takes a second to think about it. “Not like this. You can’t disappear on Mom again. Did you think what that would do to her, for her to wake up to see that you’re gone? Don’t make her go through all of that again.”

  “I’m coming back. I promise. I’ll be here for spring break and summer and holidays. Honestly, you’ll be so sick of me.”

  Sarah shakes her head. “That’s not good enough. You owe it to Mom to tell her face-to-face.”

  “But she won’t listen to me.”

  Sarah sprawls out sits on the floor, blocking me from going downstairs. “Then make her. You need to sit her down and tell her. I’ll help you.”

  “You will?”

  “Of course.” Sadness takes over her delicate features. “I know how unhappy you are here. We all know. The only time you smile—a real smile—is when you’re talking to Neil or Marian. I don’t know what I would do if I were forced to live with someone else. So I get it. As long as you promise you’re not leaving for good. A real promise this time.” She holds out her pinkie.

  “A real promise,” I say as I link my pinkie with hers. “And you should come visit Valley Falls.”

  She grimaces. “You want me to freeze to death.”

  “It’s not that bad in the summer.”

  “Uh-huh,” she says as she gets up. “Let’s go downstairs and get ready for the talk. I find it’s best to bribe mom with food and coffee in the morning.”

  “Okay, okay,” I relent.

  Sarah’s right. I wanted to sneak out in the middle of the night because it would be easier for me. But I’d essentially be doing the same thing Dad did to her. It wouldn’t be fair. To either of us.

  I pull out my phone and send a text.

  “Who are you texting right now?”

  “My ride.”

  Sarah goes into her bedroom and brings back her phone.

  “Who are you texting?” I ask.

  She raises her eyebrows. “Backup.”

  The kitchen smells of coffee and bacon. When in doubt, fry up some bacon.

  Sarah and I have laid out breakfast on the kitchen counter for everybody. Sarah is eating a piece of bacon, but I can’t touch anything. I feel nauseous.

  What if Paula says no?

  It doesn’t matter what she says, because I’m an adult now, but I’d like her to be okay with it. Or at least not hate me for it. What I want, truly, is to have a relationship with her. To get to know her. But that can’t happen when I’m forced to be here. It will happen, but only after I can finish high school and figure out my future.

  There was a period of time when I didn’t know where I came from, but I do know where I’m going, and I want Paula to be part of that.

  I want my mother to be part of that.

  “Smells delicious,” Craig says as he comes downstairs, with Paula following him. When they see the spread of food before them, Craig shakes his head. “Okay, who’s failing what?”

  “Craig.” Paula playfully taps him on the shoulder. “This is wonderful, girls.” She picks up a plate and starts helping herself to the cheesy scrambled eggs I made.

  “Good morning,” a voice comes from the dining room.

  Paula turns around. “Mom? What on earth are you doing here?”

  Grandma Amanda takes a plate. “Why, I’m here to eat this delicious breakfast my granddaughters made.”

  With plates piled with food, the five of us sit down at the dining room table, which I made up like the first meal we had here.

  “This is such a treat,” Paula says.

  I can’t look at her. I know she’s going to be devastated. Although she can’t possibly be happy about our current living situation, either.

  Silence falls over the table as everybody dives in, while I fidget with my napkin under the table.

  “What’s everybody got planned for this weekend?” Craig asks. “We’ve got a Lions game on Sunday, right? Think I might try to beer-boil some brats.”

  “Honey?” Paula asks me. “You’re white as a ghost. What’s going on?”

  I try to talk, but my mouth feels like cotton. I take a sip of water. “I need to talk to you.”

  Paula and Craig exchange a look. “Is everything okay at school?”

  “Yes. Actually, no.”

  “What’s wrong? Should we talk to your guidance counselor? I’m sure we can look at your classes, or if you need a tutor, we can also do that. You’re a very smart girl, it just takes time—”

  “Mom,” Sarah interrupts. “Please let Ally talk. And you need to listen to her.”

  “But I always listen when—”

  “Mom,” Sarah says firmly.

  Paula closes her mouth and leans back in her chair.

  This is it. There’s no going back. As much as I want to walk out without an explanation, I need to do this. For both of us.

  “I’m eighteen now.”

  “Yes, we—” Paula begins before Sarah cuts her off with a groan. “Sorry, continue.”

  “That means I’m an adult. I can start making decisions for myself. I want you to know that I have decided to move back to Wisconsin and finish school there. I also plan on going to college at UW–Green Bay.”

  “Absolutely not!” Paula gets up so fast her chair falls over, hitting a cabinet behind her and knocking over a glass vase. “I’m not going to stand here—”

  “Paula!” Grandma Amanda’s voice booms. “Sit down this instant.”

  Paula collapses into her chair.

  Grandma Amanda gives me a nod. “Go ahead, Ally.”

  “You know about this, Mom?” Paula says. “And you come into my house and—”

  “Paula.” It’s now Craig who scolds her with a raised voi
ce. His demeanor is usually jovial. I’ve never heard him be so abrupt before. He reaches over the table to take her hand. “Your daughter has something to say, and you need to listen to her.”

  Tears have begun to stream down Paula’s face.

  “Yeah, Mom, hear her out,” Sarah seconds.

  This is the first time I’ve truly felt like a unit. Craig, Sarah, and even Grandma Amanda understand where I’m coming from. Now I just need to convince Paula.

  “I am so happy to discover this other family I didn’t know existed,” I start. “To spend time with my mom. I have a sister now. And a stepdad. And a grandma and cousins. It’s been great. But there’s this whole life I left behind, one I really like. I don’t want to abandon that life, but I can add to it. I want to add new memories of my family in Florida. I want to come down here as much as I can, but … if you demand that I stay here, you’re asking me to give up myself. I didn’t do anything wrong, just like none of you did anything wrong. You have to let me be me, let me make my own choices.”

  My mind flashes back to one of the essay topics I had to tackle.

  “When I started my college applications, I had to answer this question about a significant event in my life, and I had trouble doing it. Turns out this is a pretty significant moment in my life, but I’ve realized that life isn’t only about significant moments. It’s lived and changed by the tiny moments we experience every day. The person I am right now is because of those moments. And I won’t let one significant thing erase that.

  “So please believe me that this isn’t goodbye, it’s see you later. You have to trust me. We can even get my tickets for spring break right now. I’ll stay for the whole week.”

  A disgusted groan escapes Paula’s throat. “A whole week? How lucky.”

  “Paula.” Craig gives her a warning look.

  “No, Craig!” she protests. “I’m allowed to be upset about this.”

  “You are,” I admit. “You’re allowed to be really upset with me. But don’t you want me to want to be here? Wouldn’t you prefer that when I come to see you and the rest of the family that I’m here by choice?”

  “You don’t like it here?” she asks in a small voice.

  “Paula, you see how much she wants to go home.” Craig rubs her back. “We owe it to Ally to let her live her life. The life she wants. Don’t force the life you’ve built in your head on her. She’ll come back.”

  “No. She won’t.”

  “Yes. I will.” I get up from my chair and kneel next to Paula. “I promise you, I’ll come back. I want to get to know my family. But I need to go back to Wisconsin and finish school. To do all the things I had planned. We have the rest of our lives to make up for the past fifteen years.”

  I look at Paula, and my heart aches for her anguish. I’ve had this thought in the back of my head that I had to choose between her and Dad. But Craig and Sarah have made me realize that I have a greater capacity for love and family than I thought. Paula is family. She’s my mom. And it’s time that I start seeing her that way.

  No competition with Dad. She and I can be something completely separate.

  “Mom.” I place my hand on her shoulder. “I’m sorry I’ve been closed off. This has been really hard on me. Really hard. I need time to adjust to this new life, which includes you. All of you. I want nothing more than to come back here in a few weeks and spend more time with my family. You’re my family.”

  I wrap my arms around my mother and hold her close. Unshed tears start burning. I’m holding my mother. A mother had always been this concept—an enigma—to me for most of my life. Yet, here she is, living and breathing.

  I’m not sure how long we embrace. I do know that there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to let go.

  When Mom finally does speak, it’s in a soft voice. “I only want you to be happy.”

  “That’s all any mother should hope for,” Grandma Amanda adds. “And oftentimes being a parent means putting your child’s needs first.”

  Mom sniffles. “I know you’re not happy here. As much as I want you to be, you aren’t.”

  The room is quiet as we can all see the anguish in her face. She closes her eyes. “If going back to Wisconsin will make you happy, then … okay.”

  “Really?”

  She nods as she wipes away her tears. “Really.”

  “Thank you.” I wrap my arms around her again. “Thank you so much.”

  She pulls away from me and holds my face in her hands. “But would you be okay if we booked your next flight back right now?”

  “Absolutely! Yes! Let’s do that!”

  Mom takes my hand as we walk into the living room. As mother and daughter.

  “When’s your graduation?” Mom has her calendar out. We already have three visits planned through the end of summer.

  “More importantly, how cold is it going to be there in June?” Sarah asks.

  “It’s really not that bad.”

  “Uh-huh,” both Mom and Sarah reply.

  “Speaking of amazing weather, I’m thinking an excursion to Key West for spring break,” Mom says. Seeing her plan all these trips is the happiest I’ve seen her since I arrived. Come to think of it, it’s the happiest I’ve been, too.

  “We should get a house for the week, invite the whole family,” Grandma Amanda offers.

  “Randy?” Craig asks with a laugh.

  Grandma Amanda shakes her head. “Or better yet, let’s have it just be us.”

  The doorbell rings, and butterflies start circling my stomach.

  This is it. This is really happening.

  “Oh, your ride is here! I’ll get it!” Sarah says with an excited clap.

  The door opens, and Baxter runs in and jumps on me. Mom backs away for a few seconds, before holding her hand out for Baxter to sniff.

  “Ah, hey, Ally. Ally’s mom,” Neil says as he shoves his hands in his pocket.

  “Neil.” Mom gets up and gives him a hug. “Please promise me that you’ll take good care of my girl.”

  “I will.”

  Neil approaches me cautiously, while an excited Baxter keeps running around the couch. “Everything okay here?”

  “Everything’s great.” I give Mom’s hand a squeeze.

  “It really is.” She brushes her hand on my cheek. “I wish you two didn’t have to leave so soon. We could have a barbecue. But, I know, you need to get on the road to make it to Atlanta before dinner. Please send everybody my best.”

  In between booking flights and Mom discussing my new living arrangement with Marian’s mom, I finally talked to my dad’s mom and sister. For the first time since everything came crumbling around me, I’m not afraid of change. It can be a good thing. I’m still the same me, but now I have this web of people with whom I belong.

  “Let me take a gander at the traffic,” Craig says as he starts typing on his phone.

  Grandma Amanda approaches Neil. “And I believe you’re the young man my granddaughter’s been talking about.”

  Neil’s face lights up. “Oh, so she’s been talking about me, huh? I hope only good things.”

  Grandma Amanda pats his shoulder. “Only the best things, which is exactly what she deserves.”

  “Yes, she does.”

  Grandma Amanda gives Neil a hug. I like seeing my two worlds collide, having the people who I care about know one another. Maybe Neil can join me on a few trips back here.

  “Well, I guess this is it,” Mom says as she hands Neil my suitcase. He takes it and Baxter to the car.

  That’s when I look out to see which car Neil drove over a thousand miles here. “Oh my God, Rob let you drive his Jeep?” Rob wouldn’t even let Marian take it two towns over for McDonald’s. We aren’t allowed to eat or drink in his “baby.”

  Neil turns around. “Yeah. He insisted. I believe his exact words were ‘bring our Ally back home’ as he threw his keys down on the table.”

  I can’t believe it. “Does this mean I have to be nice to him now?”


  “Nah,” Neil says with a wink. “It’s the least he could do for the vast amount of emotional torture it is to be his friend.”

  I laugh until I turn around to see the family I’m leaving. I don’t know where to start.

  Craig gives me a hug. “Call if you need anything. Here.” He tries to hand me some money.

  “I can’t,” I reply.

  “It’s a stepdad’s duty to spoil his stepdaughter by bribing her for affection.”

  “But I already like you.”

  “Well, then.” He pretends to put the money back in his pocket before placing it firmly in my hand.

  Grandma Amanda gives me a hug. “Neil seems like a nice boy.”

  “He really is. But I’m going back for much more than a boy.”

  “I know. And I am going to be so happy to meet the rest of the Gleasons at your graduation.” She gives me a kiss on the cheek.

  Sarah is next. She hugs me, and I don’t want to let go. “It’s see you later, right, Sis?”

  “Yeah. See you soon, Sis.” I’ll be back here in less than two months. Seven weeks if you’re counting, which Mom is. So am I.

  “I’m going to miss you,” she says softly.

  “I already miss you,” I admit. I like having a sister.

  “FaceTime when you cross state lines.”

  “You can count on it.” I give her forehead a kiss.

  I’ve been able to hold it together so far, but I feel a heaviness build in my chest. Saying goodbye is way harder than I thought.

  Mom takes both of my hands. “I’m so proud of who you’ve become, I would never want to get in the way of that.”

  That’s it. The floodgates have opened. I cry as I hug my mom.

  “Don’t you start, or I won’t be able to stop,” she says through sobs.

  “You two make quite the pair,” Craig comments.

  “Like mother, like daughter,” Mom says between sobs.

  We’re both laughing through tears.

  “You should know that I’m going to text you, a lot,” Mom says as she wipes away my tears.

  “Please do. Seriously.”